An open letter to Metro North commuters....

Before I get into my letter, I'd like to explain the event that sparked my anger toward my fellow commuters. On this past Sunday afternoon, I was on a train down to the city and my phone rang. It was my buddy telling me where we should meet up. I was on the phone for a total of three minutes, and while talking quietly for those three minutes, the old bag sitting next to me turned and gave me a "SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

I didn't think much of it, and continued to talk. Thirty seconds later, when I hung up my phone, she turns to me and says (in a much louder voice than I was talking) "NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOUR BUSINESS!"

In my mind, I was envisioning me reacting with physical force....I mean, I would never hit a female, but shaking her really hard wasn't out of the question. From the looks of her, I knew she was on her way home to her empty apartment and 30 cats, so I just responded with, "Relax lady, it's the weekend." That led me to this post. For my fellow commuters who still haven't caught on to basic commuting etiquette, continue reading.

Dear Harlem Line Commuters:

I know I've seen the same 30 or 40 faces every day for the last three years and I haven't said a word to any of you, but there is a reason. I live by a few rules that make commuting as tolerable as possible. Please read below and don't take anything personal:

Rule 1: There is a system for seating. First, everyone fills up the window seats in the two seaters and three seaters. The next wave of passengers should fill up the outside seat of the three seaters. The next wave of people should be filling the two seaters. IF YOU MUST, the third wave can intrude, and sit bitch in the three seaters. I never sit middle in the three seaters, because I feel it's better for me to be uncomfortable for a few minutes standing, rather than making all three of us uncomfortable squished in a three seater...I guess you can call me a humanitarian. For most women, it could be perfectly acceptable to sit bitch and still leave some wiggle room for the other two passengers. But for men...just man-up and stand...most likely you'll be sitting at work all day anyway, right?

Rule 2: Yes, there are cell phone rules. In the morning commute, there should be no phone chatter longer than 15 seconds (the ample amount of time to tell that somebody that you're on the train and will talk to them later). In the afternoon, it's still not acceptable to have lengthy convos. Keep it brief, keep it quiet and emphasize you're on the train to show other commuters you have them in mind. Now...there IS an exception. Fridays and weekends are fair-game for appropriate phone conversation. I'm not saying be obnoxious about it, but it's perfectly fine to have a quiet phone call...It's the weekend and nobody is on the grind. If this still annoys people who are sitting next to you, politely tell them that there are six other cars they can go sit in.

Rule 3: Keep conversation with fellow commuters strictly business, unless there is a pre-existing relationship. This rule is one I came up with, and for good reason. I bump into alot of people on my travels, and I only have a desire to talk to about 2 percent of them. If you see people every day and want to be friendly, a simple hello or head nod is all you need. Even if you think you're friends, I guarantee they rather be sleeping on that morning train. This also brings up flirting. I see this happen from time-to-time and if it's not going well, I start to feel awkward on the inside for the brave young men getting shot down. Just remember in the back of your mind that you will have to see these people every day for however long you will continue to commute. If your cheesy pickup line gets shot down, it can lead to a daily awkward passing on the platform...no thanks.

Rule 4: Try to refrain on eating anything with a strong odor. Even eggs in the morning can stink up a train car and start everybody's day off on the wrong foot.

Rule 5: Don't turn a seat (that you're sharing) into your personal office. Some people will sit down and take out their laptop, folders, papers, notepads, while trying to balance a coffee in their lap. I've had coffee dropped in my seat three times in the last few months from idiots trying to cram in 20 minutes of work that can probably be done in 30 seconds if they wait until they're in the fucking office. I know alot of people have powerful and important jobs out there, but if your work can't be done on a blackberry or a laptop, just wait...don't be a dick.

Rule 6: I can't stress this rule enough. KEEP GOOD HYGIENE!!! I carry a bottle of cologne in my work bag and re-apply after work so I'm smelling fresh for any people I have to share my personal space with for the next hour and a half. I'm not saying you have to go to that extreme, but if you know you smell dank, go stand in the corridors.

I hope nobody takes these rules personal. If you're reading this and commute with me, most likely I'm not calling anybody out...Just want to make sure we're all on the same page right?

Thanks for your time and I look forward to giving you a head nod in future mornings,

-Diddy