What it must feel like to be 4 years old

Hello NBD readers. I apologize for the lack of posts over the holiday break. Since our last post, NBD has surpassed 1,000 page views, which is an accomplishment since the readership mainly consists of friends who are bored at work.

Over the break, I've had some feedback from certain people. The feedback was good, but they wanted to know why I ranted so much. For the most part, I'm laid back and don't stress about much, but since starting this blog, I find myself being much more critical on everyday life topics than pre-blog life.

Aside from Thanksgiving, I had my nephew's 4th birthday party this past weekend...And it was awesome. I'm not saying awesome in the sense that it was a kegger and everyone got hammered and had a good time. I'm talking about awesome looking at how ecstatic my nephew was. I also thought I could learn alot from him....yea, that's right, a 4 year old.

For those who don't know, a 4 year old finds enjoyment out of the little things in life...really little. Blowing out his birthday candles was the main event for the night. He was looking forward to blowing out his candles and eating a specialty B-Day cake for about a month (probably longer, but he only was vocal about it this month).

Stealing a line from one of my favorite movies, Pulp Fiction....Watching him blow out his candles, I had what alcoholics call a "moment of clarity." It's sad to say, but I can't recall the last time I found as much enjoyment in ANYTHING that compares to my nephew blowing out birthday candles.

So, from here on out, it's time to enjoy the little things in life. I'm not saying that the ranting will stop in NBD, but changes WILL be made. I won't get blackout drunk when faced with adversity...well, at least I'll try not to. When people don't say "thank you" when I hold a door open for them, I won't say "fuck you" back to them in my mind (or under my breath). In a nutshell, I need an outlook on life like a 4 year old...hmm is this possible?

-Diddy

The NY Jeters

The title of this blog post would be the name of the NY Yankee franchise if it was up to me. As many people know (even if you're not a Yankee fan), Derek Jeter is technically a free agent. He is one of the last remaining pieces of one of the greatest teams in all of sports that began with the 1996 Yankee squad.

There aren't too many figures in sports that define winning. Jeter is one of them. I believe it was Jerry Seinfeld who once said that in today's sports, all you're rooting for is laundry. Players come and go now for bloated contracts, and every year you can see a whole new team run on the field. You're just rooting for the shirts they're wearing. That's just the way a business is run. And I understand that baseball is still a business, especially to the ones with the checkbook.

However, the fact that it's been over 20 minutes of free agency for Jeter is a travesty. If there is one team in sports that shouldn't put a price tag on a contract as important as Jeter's, it's the Yankees. For those who don't know, or remember, some of the shitty contracts that the Yanks have handed out over the years, allow me to enlighten you:

Carl "may he burn in hell" Pavano:  $39.9 million/4 years

Kei Igawa: $46 million (including negotiating fees)/5 years

Steve Karsay: $22 million/4 years

Rondell White: $10 million/2 years

Jaret Wright: $20 million/3 years

AJ "can't make a playoff starting rotation" Burnett: $82 million/5 years

Jason "Giambino" Giambi: $120 million/7 years

Yeaaaaa.....Now, Jeter's contract is larger than these, but the point is to look at the money they've spent over the last decade. Most of that money could've helped the Yanks more if they burned it and pissed on the ashes, literally (I actually think Pavano may have done that).

These contracts were dealt out quickly and, for the most part, without notice. To think that it was a quick decision to deal $26 million to NEGOTIATE a contract with Kei Igawa, yet we're playing hardball with Jeter's contract is mind-boggling. There is a generation of fans that spend ass-loads of money supporting the Yankees that were raised on Derek Jeter moments.

You know what...maybe they should decide to stop wearing pinstripes. Or take out Memorial Park. Because to me, and many other fans, Jeter is just as important to the franchise.

If George was still alive, a blank check would've been made out to Jeter the day that the season ended. I bet Jeter brought more happiness to The Boss than his idiot sons ever have.

So, as a pissed off fan, I can make one promise. If Jeter isn't a Yankee next year, I will trade in my pinstripes for good. They can sell their overpriced tickets and beer to some other rube.

- Diddy

Screw you, Steve Jobs

For the last month, my iPod has caused me to scream obscenities, throw shit across my room, smoke a lot of weed, and I might've cried once or twice.

Recently, I reconfigured my computer and re-installed all my essential software, including iTunes. To my surprise, iTunes was picking up more music from my external hard drive than before. So, I thought it would be a good idea to clean out my iPod and upload all the music again and get it organized.

I plug the iPod in, and let iTunes start syncing all my music. I have 80GB worth of music, so I let it sit there over night. I woke up to see that the syncing was unsuccessful with weird error notices and my iPod remained empty. This continued to happen over and over again, until I was forced to go song by song, and even then, iTunes would crash after 10 minutes. After a month of trying different shit, I finally have a program to bypass iTunes and upload music, but it takes long...My iPod has been syncing for three days and is still not complete.

After reading up about my problem, I found forums of people having the same problem with iPod classics. Apple offers no help. If you want to talk to tech support, it's 30 bucks to talk to them over the phone, plus other charges after the session....FOR TECH SUPPORT!?

One post said that Apple has created a bug on purpose....Whenever those annoying messages come up to upgrade to iTunes 10.2.2.1.1.1.1.1.1 or whatever new version they create, DON'T UPGRADE. Some believe that Apple creates iTunes glitches that won't let you sync older apple devices in order to get the customers to upgrade...and trust me...if you saw the errors coming up in my iTunes, it doesn't seem all that far-fetched.

I read all the time about Steve Jobs answering personal emails from the general public and you BEST BELIEVE I will be emailing him and his gay black turtleneck that he wears for every public appearance.

I'm tired of buying Apple shit because it's trendy. Apple used to be the shitty computers that you use in school...Remember? Now they think they can get us to buy whatever useless device they put out as long as it's stamped with an apple logo and has some stupid commercial with Indie music playing.

If Steve Jobs somehow stumbles upon this post while Googling his name late at night (I'm taking a guess about what he does on his free time), NBD has this to say to you....FUCK YOU STEVE JOBS!

- Diddy

An open letter to Metro North commuters....

Before I get into my letter, I'd like to explain the event that sparked my anger toward my fellow commuters. On this past Sunday afternoon, I was on a train down to the city and my phone rang. It was my buddy telling me where we should meet up. I was on the phone for a total of three minutes, and while talking quietly for those three minutes, the old bag sitting next to me turned and gave me a "SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

I didn't think much of it, and continued to talk. Thirty seconds later, when I hung up my phone, she turns to me and says (in a much louder voice than I was talking) "NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOUR BUSINESS!"

In my mind, I was envisioning me reacting with physical force....I mean, I would never hit a female, but shaking her really hard wasn't out of the question. From the looks of her, I knew she was on her way home to her empty apartment and 30 cats, so I just responded with, "Relax lady, it's the weekend." That led me to this post. For my fellow commuters who still haven't caught on to basic commuting etiquette, continue reading.

Dear Harlem Line Commuters:

I know I've seen the same 30 or 40 faces every day for the last three years and I haven't said a word to any of you, but there is a reason. I live by a few rules that make commuting as tolerable as possible. Please read below and don't take anything personal:

Rule 1: There is a system for seating. First, everyone fills up the window seats in the two seaters and three seaters. The next wave of passengers should fill up the outside seat of the three seaters. The next wave of people should be filling the two seaters. IF YOU MUST, the third wave can intrude, and sit bitch in the three seaters. I never sit middle in the three seaters, because I feel it's better for me to be uncomfortable for a few minutes standing, rather than making all three of us uncomfortable squished in a three seater...I guess you can call me a humanitarian. For most women, it could be perfectly acceptable to sit bitch and still leave some wiggle room for the other two passengers. But for men...just man-up and stand...most likely you'll be sitting at work all day anyway, right?

Rule 2: Yes, there are cell phone rules. In the morning commute, there should be no phone chatter longer than 15 seconds (the ample amount of time to tell that somebody that you're on the train and will talk to them later). In the afternoon, it's still not acceptable to have lengthy convos. Keep it brief, keep it quiet and emphasize you're on the train to show other commuters you have them in mind. Now...there IS an exception. Fridays and weekends are fair-game for appropriate phone conversation. I'm not saying be obnoxious about it, but it's perfectly fine to have a quiet phone call...It's the weekend and nobody is on the grind. If this still annoys people who are sitting next to you, politely tell them that there are six other cars they can go sit in.

Rule 3: Keep conversation with fellow commuters strictly business, unless there is a pre-existing relationship. This rule is one I came up with, and for good reason. I bump into alot of people on my travels, and I only have a desire to talk to about 2 percent of them. If you see people every day and want to be friendly, a simple hello or head nod is all you need. Even if you think you're friends, I guarantee they rather be sleeping on that morning train. This also brings up flirting. I see this happen from time-to-time and if it's not going well, I start to feel awkward on the inside for the brave young men getting shot down. Just remember in the back of your mind that you will have to see these people every day for however long you will continue to commute. If your cheesy pickup line gets shot down, it can lead to a daily awkward passing on the platform...no thanks.

Rule 4: Try to refrain on eating anything with a strong odor. Even eggs in the morning can stink up a train car and start everybody's day off on the wrong foot.

Rule 5: Don't turn a seat (that you're sharing) into your personal office. Some people will sit down and take out their laptop, folders, papers, notepads, while trying to balance a coffee in their lap. I've had coffee dropped in my seat three times in the last few months from idiots trying to cram in 20 minutes of work that can probably be done in 30 seconds if they wait until they're in the fucking office. I know alot of people have powerful and important jobs out there, but if your work can't be done on a blackberry or a laptop, just wait...don't be a dick.

Rule 6: I can't stress this rule enough. KEEP GOOD HYGIENE!!! I carry a bottle of cologne in my work bag and re-apply after work so I'm smelling fresh for any people I have to share my personal space with for the next hour and a half. I'm not saying you have to go to that extreme, but if you know you smell dank, go stand in the corridors.

I hope nobody takes these rules personal. If you're reading this and commute with me, most likely I'm not calling anybody out...Just want to make sure we're all on the same page right?

Thanks for your time and I look forward to giving you a head nod in future mornings,

-Diddy

"Here's the Situation"....You're a D-Bag

I was going to attempt to do the first NBD book review in this post, but was unable to. I really intended to buy "Here's the Situation" that was just released by Jersey Shore cast member, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. The idea was to do a book review in a mocking manner, but something happened at the end of last week: I heard The Situation talk.

I'll admit, I've seen two episodes of the Jersey Shore during the first season. I hate reality TV, and always try to lead by example by not watching that shit, but that just slipped through the cracks. I haven't watched an episode since, and just from the two episodes, I felt like I had a good handle on what "The Situation" was trying to bank on. Yes, he's a wannabe guido in Jersey trying to milk his 15 minutes of fame. But, after a radio interview, I wasn't even close to pin-pointing exactly how much of a douche bag this kid is.

I'm a hater. I have no problem admitting that I hate on people who fall ass backwards into money. But, when somebody talks about their blind-luck like they actually affected society in a positive way to gross a few million dollars a year, that's when I draw the line.

This 144 page abortion drew a crowd of thousands to a book signing last week...IN THE RAIN. I'm afraid to check the national best-seller list.

So, on the radio show he was on, they asked him what he thinks about all this hoopla on his book release.

The answer I wish he gave: "It's crazy how many people showed up. I'll just enjoy the moment while it's here and I appreciate their support for me and the Jersey Shore."

The answer he gave (from memory): "You knowwww, I really tried to target this book at the audience of the Jersey Shore to get started. Then, you knowwwww, I can expand to an autobiography or a cook book. You knowwwwww, I'd like to tell my story and what I have been through."

Watch out Steve Jobs and Bill Gates...The Situation plans on getting his foot in the door and taking over consumer markets.

So there I was staring at The Situation's book in the store, deciding if I should really go through the embarrassment of the book store clerk rolling her eyes at me when I bring it to the counter for my "mock" book review. But, in the back of my mind I just kept hearing, "You knowwwwww, c'mon Todd, just read it. You knowwwww, don't forget to pick up my cologne, workout video, best-of Jersey Shore quote book, my new upcoming clothing line, and future book releases." (I didn't make up any of that shit I just listed)

I stepped down and walked out of the store with my tail between my legs. I couldn't do it. So, I apologize to those who saw the headline and hoped there would be a book review to follow...I just couldn't go through with it.

The hate wouldn't let me give in to The Situation...not this time...not even for comedic reasons...sigghhhh.

- Diddy

NBD's Memory Lane: The Legend of Funyons

This will be the first of, hopefully, many Memory Lane posts. These posts cover great moments, stories, accidents, parties, etc that will make a specific group of people laugh really hard...and hopefully will get a chuckle from the rest of the readers. This first Memory Lane is about an insignificant night that really embodied somebody's reputation in a few seconds...Enter: The Legend of Funyons.

Funyons was my roommate during my Junior year in college. I didn't really know him before I moved in with him, but we had a lot of mutual friends and I needed a place to get off campus. So, the first month living together, the reputation of Funyons was this: He tended to like 'bigger' gals. I didn't know too much about him, but that was the word around our circle of friends. I just didn't understand where the rumor came from after hanging out with him the first month of living together.

One Friday night, I was sitting in my shitty living room with my two other roommates. Funyons was passed out in his room after disappearing for three days on one of his normal binges. All the parties were over and the bars were closing, so it was that hazy time when everyone is in a zombie mode right before passing out drunk.

As we were zoned out staring at the TV, there was a loud knock at our door. I opened it up to see three very, very large gals. As I bent my neck upward to greet them, I had no idea what they wanted or why they were here. When I asked what they wanted, they responded, "Does Funyons live here?" Without saying anything, I just pointed toward his door, and watched the three behemoths walk single-file into his room and lock the door.

Ummmm.....

I sat back down and looked at my other roommates and we just had huge smiles on our faces. This was the first of many similar nights living with Funyons, but this one was special. It was as if he put flyers up around town, or if they didn't get to his room before 3a.m., they'd turn into pumpkins or something.

The legend of Funyons was alive and well, and I never questioned his reputation as a chubby-chaser again.

And, if any pretty ladies want to set up an appointment...leave a comment!

- Diddy

Prop 19 gets shot down...Old-timers everywhere unplug their oxygen tanks and rejoice

For those who live under a rock and don't know what Prop 19 is, it was the initiative to legalize and tax marijuana in California. And it fell about 500,000 votes short.

First reaction: Not a huge surprise there.

Then the LA Times released the numbers of approval ratings from different sections of voters. Again, not terribly surprised. Apparently, old people and Asian people realllllly don't like herb. Asian American voters opposed it at a number of 62% to 38%. OK, the Asian thing was a little surprising?

Old people (ages 65 and up) opposed it more than 2 to 1.  Republicans rejected it 70% to 30%.

And the most interesting number to me was this: Voters with a high school degree or less (less educated) were strongly opposed, turning 61% to 39% against it.

I'm not going to go on a hippie rant about why weed is good and would stimulate the economy in California (the one state that should be trying everything they possibly can to generate economic gain).

What really pisses me off are articles that are describing the defeat as a victory....Saying it "sparked debate." Articles like this one. No it didn't. This has been a topic for discussion for years. Ignorant people will remain ignorant on certain issues. Mainly, issues they know nothing about. I apologize for generalizing because there was opposition in every political party and age group, but in a nutshell, the people that kept the lid on this bill are old people, uneducated people, and ultra-conservatives.

These are the people that watch Reefer Madness, and take it like a factual handbook. These are the people that view pot as a dangerous drug. These are the people that will continue to ignore the science and facts behind marijuana...just because. And don't expect the current "liberal" administration to ever address this topic...the key voter demographics that support this issue only made up 13% of the votes for Prop 19. I'm not sure if that percentage is high enough to sway them to actually use legalizing marijuana as a wedge issue for the next election.

So, instead of going to a shop or cafe to enjoy weed legally (like booze), I guess everyone must go back to meeting shady dealers to buy overpriced weed where the money won't contribute to anything but a new flat screen TV for your dealer.

And for your viewing pleasure:


- Diddy

BIGGS' BIGG UPS & BIGG DOWNS

This will be a new and recurring weekly topic where I will have the opportunity to show BIGG UPS or BIGG DOWNS to a variety of topics pertaining to the entertainment world or advertising. This weeks BIGG UP goes to the current advertising campaign for E-Trade. E-Trade is a financial services company that is based out of New York CIty. I have found the E-Trade "baby commercials" to continue to deliver some of the most comical advertising on television today. Their most recent commercial opens with their standard male baby in time-out. He states, "I'm in time out because apparently riding the dog like it's a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment!" Hilarious commercial E-Trade, keep up the good work, and most importantly BIGG UPS!



I will also include another all time E-Trade favorite of mine. All you golfers out there will appreciate this one too.



-BIGGS

Get out and vote...or not...I don't care

Finally, it's time to hit the voting booths and pull the lever of your favorite rich lunatic that will, most likely, not affect your day-to-day life in any way.

I'm convinced 2010 is the year that politics has officially gone bat-shit-crazy.

Some random political candidates include:

Levi Johnson (Alaska) - Running for mayor because....well, why not, it's Wasilla, Alaska.

Carl Paladino (NY) - NY's very own homophobe who also doesn't mind threatening reporters to take them down with force.

Christine O'Donnell (Delaware) - No comment

Douglas Hughes (California) - One of his ideas includes creating an island to send pedophiles to. I guess if you've ever seen Escape From L.A., it would be something like that?

Alvin Greene (South Carolina) - One of my personal favorites. He won the democratic primary without giving any speeches or interviews. He refuses to wander off talking points. He's unemployed. He is fighting a felony charge. It is also said that the Republican party has planted Greene in his position. His campaign slogan? "No comment."

Rich Iott (Ohio) - This Tea Party candidate spends his free time dressing up in Nazi Germany SS uniforms and says that he is "fascinated by the fact that here was a relatively small country (Nazi Germany) that from a strictly military point of view accomplished incredible things." Well, "incredible" wouldn't be the first word I would've chosen....

Jimmy McMillan (NY) - The Rent is too Damn High party. If you haven't heard or seen this guy, just Google it. Aside from saying that he had between 500-1000 confirmed kills in Vietnam on the radio show Opie and Anthony, he has the best mustache (by far) in the 2010 election season.

Well, there you have it. I haven't scratched the surface and am still leaving out candidates like: Sharron "2nd amendment remedies" Angle, Jan Brewer (who might've won the award for worst opening statement in the history of politics), Linda Mcmahon and of course...Phil "lives in a van down by the river" Davison:



Have politics always been this crazy? Maybe they have and we're just catching on now? But, if somebody gets mad at you for not voting and tries to speak down at you because you don't vote...just send them to this post.

- Diddy

If I was homeless...I'd be walkin'

One charming aspect of NYC is its abundance of homeless people. Say what you want about them, I'm not here to argue their existence, but rather WHY they're in NY?

The weather is sub-par, it's dirty, it's infested by every type of rodent, and people for the most part don't seem to give a shit when they step over some homeless guy sprawled out on newspapers. New Yorkers see homeless people all the time. They are fixtures, rather than people with feelings to a New Yorker. One thing I've noticed since I've started working in NYC is this: I used to politely say "no thank you" to people handing out annoying flyers, and "sorry, I don't have change" to homeless guys holding out empty coffee cups. I acknowledged that they were there trying to communicate with me.

Three years later, those same people could be handing out money, and I wouldn't notice because I no longer acknowledge their existence. And I'm not doing it on purpose, that's just how it is when you see these people every day (I'm actually a generous guy when it comes to donating and whatnot).

So this is what I say to all of NYC's homeless: START WALKING! Why spend nights shivering on the cold, dirty streets of NY? Walk to California or Florida. Use the change you actually collect for a bus ticket out of here!

If you're going to be homeless, be homeless in a warm climate with pedestrians who aren't accustomed to seeing homeless people like NY. If I was homeless, I'd rather be on a beach in San Diego asking people for change than outside grand central laying on a stack of AM NY newspapers.

I'm not saying this to be mean or insensitive to the homeless....I really think they should consider this. What's the worst that can happen? They don't make it to a sunny climate and they are homeless in another town that can't possibly be worse than NYC?

And don't say, "There's no place like NYC." That statement is true if you have a place to live and can actually enjoy what NYC has to offer.

So, if there are any homeless people out there who stumbled upon an open laptop on a Starbucks table and can read this post...Get going! Good luck and God's speed.

- Diddy